I Should Write A Book... But not right now.

I’ve decided to write a book.

Yup, a book. But it won’t be published until much later, of course. I have to be famous first.  J  But I can start it now and take out the irrelevant parts when I’ve decided what it’s exactly about. It will be a kind of self-discovery book, either women who struggle with being Christians in the entertainment industry, or just anyone like me needing that extra bit of confidence from someone who’s been through it all. And I’ve been through a lot already, so I have a lot to write about.

Until then, I will only blog about super memorable things in my life, and this blog will now serve as my “Positive Sentence Journal,” my “Observation Journal,” my “Thanksgiving Journal” and such.

So, for today, Wednesday, December 15, 2010:

I feel like I did nothing today. The majority of my day was sitting on the couch watching tv and eating, with a brief interruption to pick up Amy from the bus stop and to cut up some lettuce for dinner. To me, it was nothin', but my mom says it helped her so much that I did those two tiny things in the midst of all she had to do today. 

So, today, I'm going to acknowledge that I was "resting" today and appreciate that I'm even able to do that.

A Trip Home and A Trip to Deep-Think-Land

I wrote this Dec 3:

     (Sorry it's late.)

A two weekends ago, I came home to visit my mom and niece, to get my Orencia infusion… and to pick up my car. It was enjoyable and nice to be home and see some of my friends, even only for the weekend. Although, I have to confess I was pretty upset when I found out that I wasn’t allowed to get my Orencia, and no one had told me until the day before. That was the sole purpose of coming into town. Regardless, I had made plans with friends and I would keep those plans, so I came home anyway.

On Monday, in my own car, I drove my mom and Amy (my niece) and I down to Irvine, so they could see my room and house and stay with me for the Thanksgiving week. Most of my housemates would be out of town come Wednesday after classes, so I knew there would be space in my room and it would be a fun time to not travel to AG, and to enjoy the emptiness of my house but with two of my favourite people. We played Clue, ate food, watched TV, went to two movies at the Dollar Theatre! (I know! The DOLLAR THEATRE! It’s $2 for any movie - $5ish for a 3D – and $1 on Tuesdays! And $1 Hot Dogs! How can you go wrong!!) We did some errands that I needed to do since I would have the car that week, then at the end of the week (Sundayish), they took the car, a ton of my excess junk that I shouldn’t have brought in the first place, and journeyed home.

Come this week, it was a little difficult. I’m better now so it’s hard to remember why… which just goes to show you: “Will this matter to me as much in three years?” is not an entirely terrible thing to say to yourself when going through tough times.

I think it had something to do with people getting on my nerves. For the sake of decency, I will just say it is something I go through once a month. And usually these are the times that the stupid or rude things people do (that normally I just poo poo and say, that’s their loss they feel that way or are that way), they bug me. They get to me, actually. And for a good reason, I think, but then I have to remind myself that I am my own person and what they do or say cannot affect me in a negative way. Their negativity should not be my negativity. Actually, I am usually not the person who reminds me. It’s usually my beautiful momma. And I so appreciate her for that.

I was going to blog about it, but then I realized it sounds like complaining. And even if it’s not actually complaining and I’m just venting, a blog is not the outlet to do it, nor is it something I want to remember. My mom and I were talking the other day specifically about these things and people that get on my nerves, and she suggested I not write them down. Now, I am a journaling person; that’s just what I do. When I have something happen to me, good or bad, I write it down; so I can remember it later. But she asked why I would want to remember the bad stuff.

Sometimes the worst stuff in your life is what pushes you to success. It reminds you of who you are because of what you came out of. The crap in your life that pushed you down for so long. If I spent my whole life getting through the muckie muck and finally made it out, why wouldn’t I want to look back every now and then to say, “See, that’s how strong I am; I made it through that.”

But Mom is right. I shouldn’t need to remember all that crap. It’s important to acknowledge it, but when it gets down to it, there’s only one thing that’s important from that muckie muck… me.

If I didn’t have Christ in my life or a personally relationship with God, maybe looking back to the crap I’ve overcome would be a good game plan for getting me through the rest of crap life has to offer. Living life in college with the idea that I need to be independent from other people because of “what happened to me at PCPA.”

“I will never let that happen to me again,” I said. And that’s okay to say, but it’s not okay when I allow it to be my mantra.

Bottom line, when I graduated, I felt like I had made friends and contacts that would always be there for me if I needed somet, because I would be there for them. I was sorely mistaken. I learned very quickly that I couldn’t rely on most of them. I gave up emailing and texting people to see how they are because they never responded. Even on Facebook, where I could see everyone was answering everyone else, just not me. People forget other people can see your status and what you write on other people’s Profiles. It didn’t take me long to figure out that they would most likely never give me a second thought. It did, however, take me almost til a few months ago to be able to talk about PCPA or see one of their shows without becoming incredibly upset and to the point of tears. That’s how much it hurt me that these people I had put my trust and faith and energy into had disappointed me. Even instructors. I remember a specific incident when I emailed an instructor after we graduated to ask for some advice about somet. We had previously connected, so I know her email address was valid. I have yet to receive a response to any of my emails. Of course, I got the hint and I’m no long waiting, but that’s still incredibly lame, don’t you think. Needless to say, she’s now unreliable to me. I will probably never ask her for anything. And what’s really sad is she’s a UCI alumna. So, we have somet in common and she probably doesn’t even care.

I have two friends from my journey at PCPA that I can say I have seen and have made an effort to hang out with since then, but I’m 90% sure they haven’t even touched the link to this blog to find out what’s going on with me. I want to badly to say that number is lower, but deep down I don’t think it is.

It’s stuff like that that makes it difficult to say it’s “pointless” to write down to “remember.” A huge part of me wants to remember the hurt they caused me so I can “never let it happen again.” But what good will that really do but constantly open that wound. That’s no way to go through life. Even if I am using it as a means to fight to be better.

I was told a story about a girl who had always wanted to be an actress and it was just never happening for her. But she never gave up.

She was a large girl; never skinny enough and therefore never noticed. Throughout high school, she knew she wanted to act professionally. She went to college for Drama and was never cast in a show. For four years, she tried.

After college, she moved to New York and work for two more years trying to work towards that goal and was still never cast.

She decided to work as a janitor for a New York Conservatory and for two more years, she would clean up after the acting students and the instructors. But she never gave up that goal. After classes, students would throw away lecture notes, and she would take them out of the trash and memorize everything. Before she cleaned off the chalkboards, she wrote everything down first.

One day, as she was cleaning up the balcony of the main theatre, there was a group of people doing a first-read or somet for an Off-Broadway show. Actress Kathy Bates was supposed be reading for a serious part; very dramatic. But Bates was stuck in a storm and unable to make it to the audition. So, this girl volunteered to read for her until she arrived. At first they had no idea who this girl was. And that she was the custodian was even more mind-boggling. But she read the part for Kathy Bates and BLEW them AWAY!

All her hard work and determination paid off in the end. They ended up giving Kathy Bates’ part to her! And she even got some kind of award for her performance, although I can’t remember what it was, or who she is.

The man who told us this story told us that after the closing performance, he went backstage to congratulate her and saw in her dressing room about 20 cast lists posted on her wall. When he asked what it was, she said those are all the cast lists that have been posted since she started acting in college. Every list she wasn’t on. She would take it before anyone saw it and make a copy and now she posts them on her wall in her dressing room to remind herself from where she came and to show those people on the lists that she made it without all of that.

But the point is, she never gave up. Especially when no one thought she could EVER have been a professional actor.

Theatre and Dreams experience...

It's the last week of classes this week. Technically Finals Week.

I took Theatre and Dreams, History of the American Music Theatre, Development of Theatre, and worked in the costume shop.

In my Theatre and Dreams class last week, Professor Kubiak took us through a kind of meditation most common in other countries. It was prompted by an orchestra of maracas (they had actual names, but I can’t remember what they were actually called) operated by various students in the class and led by Kubiak at the head of the room. The lights were all out and the shades pulled so as to make it as relaxing and calming as possible. In fact, the way he pitched the exercise was that finals week is coming up and he knew everyone was probably tired (which we had told him), so he asked what kind of energy we would like: calm or upbeat energy.

The maraca exercise was nice, but then we took a quick bathroom break and did the same exercise with a drum operated by Kubiak. My experience was powerful and I had to write it down. So here is my account of that experience. It may not make sense, or it may, but it is what I went through and what I felt on the journey.

---------------

I envisioned the meadow from my Jesus Walk and was slowly walking through the tall knee-length brush, running my hands through it for a minute or so. The surrounding landscape was snowy mountains. It was cold and my usual meadow but I knew it was winter and the forest and mountains were covered in snow, but as soon as I started walking, it was spring again, and warm.

Then I saw the immediate start of the forest of tall trees. Forest creatures, forest plants, ferns, lizards, butterflies. As I walked, I started picking up the pace and a masked, caped man-ish thing rushed by in front of me. I kept going until I reached the cave and stood in front of it even though the path continued to the left. I almost decided to visit my creek first, but I stopped and wanted to focus on what was around the cave and it was incredibly dark inside but appeared more like a giant wreath surrounding the mouth. Squiggly dried leaf-like material all around it.

I decided to go in and the mouth was long it seemed because it was simply and utterly dark. Walking through the mouth of the cave, I could see the pulse of the drum’s beat and tried to see the color but accepted I couldn’t, so I just saw the pulsing, pulsing, pulsing.

As I walked through the dark cave, I reached a kind of shelf in the wall on my left that had water in it and a big fish (I think it was a gold fish) that was swimming in circles or figure eights until he saw me and came to the surface of the water and popped his head halfway out to look at me as if to talk with me but he just stared. I continued walking and saw something else on my right ( I don’t remember what) I continued and on my left again were to sets of legs (human) bound and hanging form the ceiling of the cave. They were dead; sacrificed for something, although I don’t know for what.

As I envisioned, I could feel my sitting body swaying with the sound of the drum.

I continued and there was a monk on my left, kneeling in prayer and directly in front of me, another monk standing stark in front of me with his hands high above his head in a funnel-like shape, gazing at the ceiling, but there was an enormous, bright light shining on him and his turned-up head and tightly-shut eyes.

I felt tearful at the sacrificed people… I felt for them.

I felt the drum pace speed and looked up and knew it was Jesus and as I ascended, the drum came closer and was right in front of me and the light became so bright, it turned into a dark blue, purple, fuchsia, gorgeous colors with the pulse of the beat. And because I know it was Jesus saying He is the reason and He is powerful that I wanted to weep and could feel my eyes tearing up. I stayed with Jesus, surrounded by His elegantly brilliant colours floating and flowing before me in every shade of purple from blue to fuchsia. Even as the drum moved, the colors changed.

I got really excited because I don’t think I’ve really ever seen consistent color in visions or dream without putting pressure on my actual eyes to encourage color. Usually any colors I “see” are only because I “know” them to be the certain color, but this time I literally SAW the colors.

I didn’t want it to end and almost considered staying there long after the drum stopped (which would signal the end of the exercise).

It was then time to go back, and the beat stopped suddenly and quickly picked up a rapid pace to let us know it was time to head back out the cave, to the field and back to the classroom. I was suddenly ripped from the light, and as I was pulled backwards, I saw the monks, the sacrificially hanged people, the fish, still watching me, the pulses from the mouth of the cave, the wreath of the cave, ferns, butterflies, trees, the edge of the forest, and finally the meadow and long, tall grass. I felt my eyelids pulsing with the drum beat as I was pulled back.

And as I was pulled back to my initial spot, my arms brushed past the grainy brush and I stopped about five beats before the drum stopped.

At the end I really felt such a poignant feeling that I wanted to just weep nonstop. Never to stop.

Arthritis Walk with Lizz ... Join me!! or at least Donate!!

So, have you decided if you will join me in the fight against Arthritis in San Diego this December 11th??

I am now registered on the website, so donate or join my team!

http://JingleBellRunPacificGrove.kintera.org/teamdelizz

and

http://JingleBellRunPacificGrove.kintera.org/thearthrondefenders

Curious about the name??

Arthron: is Greek for "joint"

Defender: guardian, preserver, advocate.

We are the Joint Guardians... but I wanted it to be more than that when I chose the name. You all know I am an actor, and I've learned that theatre comes from the word "teatron," so in essence, TheArthron Defenders will hopefully be a group of thearthron/teatron/theatre/arthron advocates! 

You don't have to be arthritic to join my team. 

And you don't have to love Wicked... although I cannot guarantee I will not be singing the whole time...  :)

Just do what you can.

Thanks.

Lizz Premer

Arthritis affects more than 46 million Americans, including 300,000 children, costing the U.S economy over $128 billion annually.  The Arthritis Foundation needs our help.

Please visit my Web page to join my team or make a secure, online contribution to help me reach my fundraising goal.  The donations I raise will help fund the Arthritis Foundation’s mission to prevent, control and cure arthritis.

Phew! What a day… and it’s only 7:52am!!

 When I first moved in, I don’t know why but I didn’t even realize that I have the option of leaving my bedroom door unlocked. It just never occurred to me, this being the first time I’ve lived out of my mom’s house. I just assumed that people in college leave their doors locked. After a week or two, Joyce started asking if we could leave the door unlocked; for things like going to the restroom or just going downstairs to the kitchen or common room. I thought that was a great idea that I felt silly not having thought of it myself. So, we’ve been keeping the door unlocked, but locking it when we leave for class or leave the house.

 It was pretty difficult at first to get up early in the morning for classes like 8am History of the American Music Theatre, where I sit in a lecture-hall-like theatre that seats maybe 300 – and it’s FULL – and sit and listen to a man talk about Music Theatre and watch a powerpoint for two hours. This is the first class I have EVER fallen asleep in. And I’m a little embarrassed to say I sometimes more than nod off in almost every class!

 Anyway, Mr. Beckstrom, bless his heart, offered to give me a wake-up call every morning to give me a kick start. For awhile it worked! I wanted to maybe join the UCI Rowing Crew next quarter and found out they practice from 6-8am every morning and thought if I can get up early every morning, there might be a chance that I could be on the Crew! I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted to be on a Crew and I thought this could be the time! So, I had Mr. B call me at 6:30am. I would wake up to my alarm at 6:20am, start “waking up,” then actually get up when he called and walk outside my room and sometimes right outside the second-floor patio door. Well, the reason I am telling you this is because I knew to leave my keys on the shelf of my desk and every morning I would grab my keys as I walked out the door while on the phone. It became so second nature, that I knew if the keys were not there I shouldn’t leave. (They would have been in my purse or somet.)

 I love my roommate. Joyce. She’s fun and we’re pretty similar, except for the fact that she’s popular and was an actual, real-life Miss Congeniality. Well, Joyce has a bit of a problem with locking herself out of our room. I think she’s locked herself out about four times already. The first quarter isn’t even over yet. But it’s fine. I just feel bad when I’m not there to let her in. The first three lock outs are free; after that the service starts charging. This last time she locked herself out, I was on the other side of campus in rehearsal for my a cappella group, so I decided I will not lock the door anymore. Problem solved.

 Joyce went home for the weekend and left yesterday afternoonish. So, when I got home I figured it would be fine to lock the door now. But I have neglected to put my keys on my desk shelf for so long that I didn’t remember to take them with me. Don’t worry, I didn’t get locked out… yet.

 Having said goodbye to Joyce and knowing that I’ve yet to lock myself out, I was pretty confident that it wouldn’t be an issue. Well, it was because I woke up at 5am because I couldn’t sleep and kept having hypnagogic dreams again – annoying as heck! – and decided to go to the restroom, come back and use the “Speed Sleep” relaxation track on my iPod touch. It always helps me get to sleep when my mind is racing a million and one miles an hour. And, actually, this had been the one night that I decided it was too warm in the room to wear pajamas. … So, I put some shorts on and left the room.

 When I returned to my room, I found, to my horror, I was locked out! 5am, sports bra and shorts, everyone in the house asleep, needing to meet a friend who is taking me to the train station at 7am, no phone, and no keys. I can’t tell you how happy I am I put clothes on!! No “the bathroom’s just down the hall.” Yeah, well, it’s no longer “just down the hall” when you are locked out and have to walk to the rec center at 5am.

 So, I waited. I knew if I fell asleep, I wouldn’t wake up in time to meet my friend Abbey who was taking me to the train station. So, I went downstairs, played some Super Smash Brothers on the PlayStation3 the guys have downstairs, came upstairs, spent a good half hour trying to pick my lock with two bobby pins – I need to learn to do that by the way – went back downstairs, stared at the tv for a few minutes, went back upstairs, tried to pick the lock again, prayed a little that I would magically know how to pick the lock, and waited til about 6:40am before I knocked on someone’s door to ask to borrow their phone to call the lock out service. I didn’t want to wake anyone up, but it had to be done.

 The guy who answered sounded like he had just woken up! Oh no! They’re going to take forever! But he said he was on his way and there I sat at the front door thinking, “Crap, what if I was supposed to say I was locked out of my room, not just locked out.” And of course, as always, my intuition was correct, so he went back and got my room key. Turns out when you lock yourself out after hours, it’s $20. Ugh… Story of my life! Others make mistakes and they get a break (3 free), I do well at not messing up, mess up once when it really matters (needing to meet someone early in the morning) and I have to pay. Ugh. The guy said if I just waited an hour, it would be free. Go figure. If I wasn’t going home, I would have just slept on the couch wrapped in a blanket til someone woke me up and asked why I was sleeping out in the common room. But I didn’t have that luxury.

 Thankfully, I got into my room at 7:05am, got dressed, was packed last night (thank you for teaching me that, Mom), and met Abbey, drove to the station and got there with six or seven minutes of waiting time to spare. Thank you, God.

 Now I’m on the train, writing this, listening to an episode of Alias and getting ready to fall asleep or finish reading the 7^th Harry Potter book in time to watch the first movie next Thursday evening! Woot! Harry Potter!

 Well, more of my day later, when more of the day actually happens.   :D

Haunted AV - Halloween 2010

Oct 29

Oct 31

Refreshing Weekend at El Camino Pines

This weekend I went home to SLO to go to a retreat in Kern County up in the mountains with my mom and neice. El Camino Pines. Georgiana Rodiger was the speaker because it is basically her retreat - not her camp, but the retreat has been up there twice a year for more than 15 years! - we are her "Rodiger Girls."  :)

Anyway, it was very refreshing and I needed a tiny change of pace from the hustle and bustle of UCI-life. Re-connected with some awesome ladies I haven't seen since I was 15 and met some new people. One funny thing is, one of the young men who help out the staff up there said he knew someone who goes to UC Irvine and told me her name, but I didn't think I knew her, but when I got back to my house on campus and was imputing all the Clair de Lune contact numbers into my phone (Clair de Lune is the all girls a cappella choir I am now in! Woot!), I realized I knew this girl he was telling me about! That's so crazy! It's such a small world!

In the mountains it is very easy to give thanks to God and to just be in utter awe of his amazing work; at one point on Saturday evening, I just lay on the ground, gazing up at the starry heavens thanking God for His love and support and for always taking care of me even when I complain.

Every retreat, Georgie leads a "Jesus Walk" in which all the women will lie down in the main cabin/chapel and do a series of short relaxation exercises and then lead them through a type of vision/dream up to a meadow to meet with Jesus. You laugh, but it's dear to my heart and I know to many of the other women. In the "vision" - for lack of a better term - you are to fly out of the chapel through the huge glass cross on the main chapel wall and fly to a hill with pine trees - much like the pines surrounding the entire camp. Walking up the path, you reach a cave; don't go in; keep walking, you can go in on your way back; down the path, you reach a meadow and a stream. Cross the stream and meet Jesus on the other side, and when you are done, come back, but not before you have asked him for your gift, because he has a special gift for you. That is the essence of the "Jesus Walk."

I have a get-to-sleep-helper CD thing that I listen to at night when I am tired but can't fall asleep. It similarly leads me through relaxation exercises and then tells me to envision a peaceful place to which I've previously been. It's been quite awhile since I've been on the Jesus Walk, so I've always imagined the last Jesus Walk I went on for this "Speed Sleep."

This time, I allowed myself to have a new journey, seeing as I am now six years older and my life is different than it was before, as should my journey be.

If you would like to know what my Jesus Walk was this time, continue reading; if not, this post is done. Thanks for reading.


A little backstory:

If you've followed my blog for awhile, you know I've never had a boyfriend. It hasn't been an easy journey, going along without that male companionship that a woman is eventually supposed to have. On one of the mission trips I went on with Grace Bible Church to Mexico, a few girlfriends of mine and I were talking about this very subject and one girl picked up a small rock from the gravel road by which we were sitting and said, "You have been in many relationships, with men with women, platonic and maybe not yet romantically, but any different kinds of relationships and in every one you have given a small piece of yourself. And every relationship, another piece of you have been given away, in efforts to make the relationship work, or to keep it alive or simply in enjoying the journey. But now, all that is left is this rock. You have given away all of you but this rock. And when you meet the man you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life, you have only this rock to give him. And you say to him on your wedding day, 'Over the years, I have given myself away and all that remains is this rock; but I give it to you because it is all that I am. I have nothing to give you but all that is left; this rock.'"
I kept that rock with me wherever I went for almost a year. It now resides at home in a safe spot on one of my craft shelves where I could see it every time I went into the back room of my house in Oceano. But the point is, I've kept it. For awhile, I started getting discouraged that I will never meet the man God has chosen for me, but I am always praying, "God, please prepare me for my husband... And prepared him for me, cause he's gonna need it."


This is what i wrote down immediately after my Jesus Walk:

I flew up on hummingbird-like wings and flew over a yellow meadow with tall yellow grass up to about the knees or hips and a hill in front of me with pine trees popping up all over the place but just on the hill. As i walked up the path, covered mostly in dead, crunchy pine needles; it was shaded by the tall pines and had a butterfly and lizard roaming about.

Straight ahead of me was a black cave a little taller than my own height and it was surrounded by rock and branches of trees. It wasn't covered by anything but extremely dark inside and I really didn't feel like going in. I heard soft, deep drumming from inside.

Outside of the cave was the continuation of the path going left and going right.
The path to the right was kind of dark and I didn't really want to that way because I knew the stream was by the left path. It was extremely hard for me to look to the right where the creek was and I had to force myself to turn to look at it at the right. I've never really been able to look or turn right in my dreams/Jesus Walk. I wanted to move my creek to my left side by resisted.

So i took the left path and came up a tiny bit of hill to open space, not meadow or anything, just space and on the right was a tiny creek covered in grass and as i walked I noticed the sky became more blue, with tiny white clouds and a bird flying above and the creek started getting wider and the grass got taller until it was almost above my head and the creed's width was indistinguishable.

I begun to walk through it with the cool stream running gently over my toes and there were a few flies humming about but never bothered me and I squished through the creek, in between golf-ball-sized pebbles and mud because now there really was no more water.

I was very unfocused the whole time and it was hard to concentrate on the walk and meeting Jesus. And I kept narrating everything that was happening as if I was telling what was happening - like now - in the past tense.

It was disappointing that i just couldn't shut off my head. But I tried to stop and shout out to Him.
So i tried to stop and asked God to please prepare me for my future husband because I'm tired and I would like to start sharing my life with the man he has chosen for me.

Finally I started getting impatient with myself and started calling to Jesus, "Where are you?" Just before i got through the tall grass, I saw a really bright ball of light that just kind of floated to me and I thought, "Is it you? Why won't you should me yourself in human form?"

And I reflected quickly on previous forms I've met his as - a young man in a red t-shirt with yellow lettering and jeans with short, brown hair; a guy my age with shorter light brown/blonde hair and a big smile; a long, brown-haired man in a brown gown.

But the light came closer and encompassed me and there I was in a giant light bubble and Jesus was hugging me.
I kept getting unfocused but trying to stay with Jesus.

Then I tried to ask for my gift and I kept seeing a tiny pink/purple and blue box with a yellow daisy in a window on the lid - the box Amy had painted Saturday at the craft table - and I knew inside was my rock that I got from Mexico on a mission trip with Grace Bible Church. I knew it meant God was giving me back the only piece of me that is still left to give to my future husband. But I already knew that i had it so I took it but kind of asked shyly with a smile, "Do you have anything else for me?" And immediately he presented a long turquoise necklace but her wouldn't tell me what it was for. I don't wear necklaces and I've always like the color teal and can appreciate the jewelry but I would never actually wear it.

Then I said goodbye and Jesus took me through more tall grass like in the painting I made Saturday and it was very dark like in the picture and I came to a tall tree and looked up at the stars and they looked just like in my painting and I came immediately back through the cabin window and was back on the floor.

The whole time I heard myself narrating everything going on and a certain hymn was just playing on a loop almost annoyingly, but at some point I embraced it and it no longer bothered me.
Whenever I need to be reminded that Jesus loves me, I look up at the stars. And it's been awhile since I've done that. He knew that, too.

The rock I got in Mexico is a symbol of what is left of me to give to my future husband. Through out my life, I have put so much effort into relationships - many of which were/are on-sided - and have given myself away to so many people and to so many things and hobbies that now there is only a rock's worth left of me. I have given it to God and I think now he's finally giving it back to say, "You're ready." Maybe. Some kind of permission?

Hopefully. I don't know if I'm ready, but I sure wouldn't mind it much.

22nd Year... sooner than I thought!

So, I forgot to post this when I first found out, but René has brought it to my attention that this year of my life is not ACTUALLY my twenty-FIRST year, it is my twenty-SECOND!

When you are born, you do not start out as a one-year-old; you are essentially zero plus how ever many day, weeks, months...

So, really I am 21 years old plus 123 days or two and a half months or so. But it's my 22nd year, not my 21st.

Clearly, I was mistaken.   ;-p

See you all soon, hopefully. I will be coming into town after my a cappella rehearsal on Thursday evening (leaving around 9pm) and then going to court in the morning-ish to get my name out of a certain case in which my name has clearly never belonged. And then, after Amy gets out of school, we're headed to --- ? --- for a Lutheran Retreat my mom and I used to go on every year, but this is the first year I've been able to take school off. So, yay!

A much needed rest and spiritual rejuvenation!

Love you all.

Pool Tournament ... Left Handed!!

I signed up for a billiards 9-ball tournament for tonight at the UCI Zot Zone, hosted by the Anteaters Billiard Club. It was pretty fun.

Another housemate (from Kaleidoscope House in Arroyo Vista) also entered, so we played last night for practice and we both SUCKED! It was terrible. But I knew that I normally play way better; and I knew that he probably did too. (I don't think he was trying to let me win or anything.) Anyway, when we got home, I called my sister, Rachel, who used to play in a professional league that played at Hot Shots in Pismo. So, I knew she would know the rules and stuff and any helpful hints that a not-so-professional pool player would never think of. It got me soooo excited! I wanted to play right then and there!

So, tonight, Gabriel (my housemate) and I met up at Zot Zone (they have eight or so tables) and waited to be put on the list. He was in Round C and I was on the last table of Round D, so it would be awhile, so we "rented" some Playstation 360 or whatever it's called and played some "Something - Warfare" ... eekk, I don't remember what it's called. You move around in some kind of warzone and shoot each other; it was quite interesting.

We got to start around the same time though, so I didn't have to wait too much longer. I said hi to my opponent and we started our game. Best two out of three was how they were doing it. I let the other guy break though, cause I suck at breaking. It was an EXCELLENT break; the 9-ball ended up pretty much on the edge of a corner pocket just waiting to be gently tucked into the pocket.

My first thought was, "I wouldn't even have had a chance!" If he had made the 9-ball, even on the break - especially on the break - that is an INSTANT win!

But it still took both of us about five minutes while we were sinking other balls, until I finally got the perfect combo shot... but it was in the worst place it could possibly be. If you're looking straight into the table width-wise, the cue and object ball and 9-ball were aligned perfectly, but so close but so far out of the right side of the table, that I dared to risk hitting it with my LEFT hand.

I am right-handed, but I've always tried to teach myself to be ambidextrous - in writing, using scissors, eating, and weirdly enough, pool. So, I knew I actually had a BETTER chance of sinking the 9-ball left-handed, rather than right-handed. I went for it... AND WON THAT GAME! Wooot!


Then I had to wait for the next round. When I started the second game, I was pretty sure I wouldn't get much farther, but still hopeful that he could make one wrong move and I could win. That didn't happen. He was incredibly good, and sank probably 3 or 4 balls at a time. He won the first game, then he won the second game. It was fun though, that's all that mattered. And I met some good guys with whom I wouldn't mind playing pool any other time.

One thing I know for sure, I will definitely be visiting Zot Zone more often; I didn't even know they had that many pool tables! (And I knew they had a Billiards Club, but I didn't know if I would even be good enough; but this gave me the confidence; I am good enough. There's room to improve, of course, but I hold my own.)

... the littlest thing can prompt something great!

James 3:4
Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.




It's weird to think that something so small can sometimes make the most impact on a person, or their lives or whatever project they are working on.


I started this blog around - my "auto saver" says 11:17am. It is not 12:54am... the next day. So, it is incredible when I say this is exactly what happened to Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook. I just saw the movie The Social Network. Wow, that is an incredible story and such amazingly talented actors. He was dumped by his girlfriend because basically his social skills SUCKED and she decided she couldn't stand being offended by his condescension anymore. That small tilt of the helm of his ship led him to create a website that prompted his ingenuity for the website Facebook that is a billion-dollar institution! He's the youngest billionaire EVER!


So, I've got a secret desire that I've never really told anyone until this quarter. Not because it was embarrassing or anything, but just because I never thought I could do it. Since middle school, I've always wanted to be on a rowing crew. I don't really know exactly why or what prompted this desire, yet it has been instilled in me for so long that I think I am more serious about it now that I attend a school that actually has their own crew! 


I've always been really adamant about researching my choices and being absolutely sure they are the correct choices for me at that particular time. It hasn't always been easy, but I've always made sure to include God and ask him to be incredibly clear with me, because I am seriously stupid when it comes to choices. I want to make sure I'm trusting that what I do is what He wants me to do, not just what I want to do. Well, at the beginning of this quarter, I signed up for the women's crew as being interested and when I did a little race simulation, they said I did really well and that I should consider it seriously.


Well, I wasn't cast in any of the UCI season shows this year, so I don't have shows or rehearsals. And my classes are only Tuesdays and Thursdays, with the exception of working in the costume shop Monday and Wednesday mornings, which I refuse to acknowledge as "classes" since I want to want to be in the shop; I love to sew. That is just this quarter, though, so I could easily fix my schedule to work around crew practice, right? And isn't college supposed to be a time when you are supposed to try out a ton of things that you love? Just to do everything and anything?


I decided to give up on the crew thing because there is so much that i want to do right now. I got into the all-woman's a cappella group on campus, Clair de Lune, and I want to join the campus choir, SING!, and I was going to be one of my house's representatives (but CDL meets at the same time... eek.), I am planning - with some other housemates - the Arroyo Vista Haunted House thing for our house, and therefore a fundraising event, and I'm really hoping it works out. And so much more.


But then, for some reason, I think it's God - I'm hoping it's God - but something is nudging me in the direction of doing crew this Spring! On the bus across campus, some guy was wearing a crew cap. Then my House Advisor commented on my being in really great shape - hmm, okay... haha. THEN, as I'm watching The Social Network, the main guys who are suing Mark Zukerberg are on the Harvard Crew! What else can it be but some big guy up there saying, "Maybe you should do crew. Just for the quarter. You might like it." It's a huge change for me. Physically, I'd have to make sure I'm eating right, DEFINITELY have to make sure I'm taking my meds, working out consistently, all that fun stuff. And I wouldn't be able to be in a show. But I'm already not cast in anything UCI has to offer. There may be Graduate Workshops, but I have next year for that; I probably won't have next year for Crew.


It's somet to think about. A lot to think about. But I will save it for later. For now, Avatar: The Last Airbender Season 1 finale with my next-door-roomies.      :)

Home stuffs

So, I'm home in Oceano for the weekend. Yay!

I was planning this for a few days and was planning on leaving Thursday evening after my last class, so I bought an Amtrak ticket for Thursday at 5:41pm. I even found a ride to the train station. But I had class until 5pm so I knew it would be cutting it close, but I made sure I had directions, all my stuff packed and ready to go and I guess I just assumed that the girl taking me would have her car on the side of campus that we would be on. When I told her it only takes 20 minutes to get to the station, I meant from where we would be at the end of class and that was in no way to give her the impression we could take our time to get there. I admit it was my fault for telling her she had time to get a Starbucks, and it was my fault for not making sure her car would be ready, but whatever... it wasn't... and I was wrong.

So, we ended up getting on the 405 around 5:39pm and as were inching onto the freeway, I call the station hotline for "train status" and she says, "Well, isn't there a grace period?"

Big sigh. No, honey, if a train says it's going to leave at 5:41pm, there's a good chance they usually make sure they are gone by 5:41pm. Otherwise they would probably round off to 5:40pm or 5:45pm. But it was a sweet thought.

As it turns out the train was delayed 5 minutes. So estimated arrival time was now 5:46pm, but it was still 5:43pm and there was no way we would be able to get to a station that was ten minutes away in less than three.

Anyway, I missed the train.

I was going to get the 5:41pm train and get to Santa Barbara around 9:30pm, where Eric and Kassi would pick me up and we would head back to Nipomo, so I wouldn't have to take the bus. But I had to get a ticket for the later train and didn't know I also had to get a bus ticket. Ugh...

Long story short, I waited for and took the 7:44pm train, got off in Los Angeles around 9:10pm and caught the Amtrak bus to Santa Barbara by 12:30am, where Eric and the sleepy Kassi picked me up. I spent the night at Kassi's and my mom picked me up in the morning.

And it wasn't until later that I realized I left my old high school gym shorts on the bus!! I was using them as a pillow and I guess it was so hot in there with the heater on high that they must have fallen out and I didn't realize it.    :(    I loved those shorts. So comfy! And I've had them since Freshman Year of High School!

They are much like my hi-top black Converse! They've been MIA for about 6 months now, and I think I need to give up on them and buy a new pair.

But what happens if they come back and see that I've bought a new pair! They will hate me!

Converse, where ever you are, know that I will always love you, no matter how many pair I have. You will always hold a special place in my heart and on my feet. Bon Voyage. I hope where ever you are, you are happy.

Not such an amazing day...

Welp, it had to happen; I had to have one tough day for all the wonderful days I've been having...

And today was a tough day. For sure.

I started out working in the costume shop. Very exciting! But I got there ten minutes late. Big surprise, right? Ugh...

Everything was fine at first. I was ready to work as soon as I got there, but they really didn't have anything for me to work on. The Cutter/Draper didn't know anyone was coming in, so he didn't have anything ready for me. So, he gave me a skirt to put some hooks on the waistband and left to me to it. Later, they put some music on and it reminded me of working in the PCPA costume shop; I LOVE those girls (and Dave) who worked in the shop at PCPA, so hearing Queen and all the goodies music made me totally comfortable to be there and stitching and whatnot. So, I started humming, because that's what I do when I'm comfortable, or hearing music I know.

After about three songs of my humming along - emphasis on the humming; I was not singing or even opening my mouth for the sound to come out - the guy who is my superior stops what he's doing abruptly and looks at me and says, "Lizz."

With a ready attitude, "Yes? Oh, am I too loud?" knowing full well I was not too loud but hoping that he would say something completely different than...

"Uh, just a little," with a somewhat hidden attitude that I didn't at first catch.

"Okay, sorry." Silence!

More silence. From me, but not Pandora Radio.

And, I guess I was tired, but it started upsetting me. And I had to hold back sobs so no one could tell it hurt me.

People don't realize that the way an actor - or in my case at that particular time, singer - expresses his or her emotions is through their art, and when you squash that particular impulse, you squash their whole day, sometimes their whole being for that tiny instant and it stays with them forever.

Moving on.

I was done at noon and was supposed to meet Jimmy, a housemate, to work on some singing techniques in one of the practice rooms at MAB (the Mesa Arts Building). He didn't show up, but I had vaguely remembered he said he wasn't out of class until 12:50pm. Anyway, it didn't bother me or anything.

When we did finally get together, it was awesome! I've never been able to teach someone about the singing techniques Judith has taught me. I mean, every now and then I will "impose" a tiny tip or two to people who are willing to listen, but Jimmy was just ALL EARS and when I worked with him on a few breathing techniques and then alignment tips and then rooting and grounding, he felt the difference! And I heard the difference! He was so incredibly happy because I helped him sing a few notes higher than he normally can sing. But it was all him. He was just willing to listen and take the risk.

It was exciting. Helping someone.

Jessica and Jimmy both helped me pick an appropriate song for my Hänsel and Gretel audition too. I had been wanting to sing for them for awhile and being able to sing for people before an audition is important for me. Especially the kind of audition I've never before done - opera.

I rocked too. Then, we finished up and all went our separate ways.

When I went back after eating an early dinner, I remembered Clair de Lune (the UCI women's Chamber Choir) was holding auditions at the practice rooms, so I asked if I could do a walk-in audition and if it was okay to sing my opera piece. They were blown away! Then they had me do a few scales to see my range. At that moment it was Csharp3 to G6. WOOT! G6!!

Then they had me sight-read while they were also singing other parts and I got really confused. That was the worst I've ever done on sight-reading and I'm not bad, just not educated in it. But they still liked me and it gave me the confidence I needed for the Opera audition later that evening:

I had been emailing back and forth with the director of the UCI Opera's Production of Hänsel and Gretel since last night, when I heard that they were holding auditions. As it turns out, they already held auditions, and these were the callbacks for the Dew Fairy and Sandman because all other roles had been cast. So, I researched the Dew Fairy a little last night because I really liked her aria, more so than the Sandman, although her aria was also lovely.

I checked my email at the Library and found out he wanted me to SING the Dew Fairy Aria!! Ah, I didn't know it nearly well enough to sing it, especially for an audition! It was my worst audition in terms of preparation - having been only giving the libretto this afternoon! (Which, thank you God, he told the others in the room so they would be aware.) But I realized after the fact, that I kept apologizing for not being more prepared, even if I didn't say the actual words, "I'm sorry."

I sang 16 bars of "Quando Men Vo" from La Bohème and what little I could of the Dew Fairy Aria, for having learned it on my own, without an accompanist and PLUNKING out the notes, which I wasn't even sure if they were correct because I can read music! Apparently, they wanted more than 16 bars of "Quando..." but I'm so used to cutting up music for Music Theatre auditions. Well, that and that's as far in the aria that Judith and I got before I decided to work on Musical Theatre songs during my lessons. Silly now that I think of it. I have a classically trained voice, and no songs to sing.

So, I ended up singing only about the first page of the Dew Fairy Aria and had to stop and apologize because I didn't know the rest well enough to continue.

The director said I have an amazing voice and that if I ever consider changing my major to the Vocal Arts Major, they would be happy to have me. I didn't even know there was one. But I don't think I can do Music Theatre AND Vocal Arts. Why do they do that? It's lame. ... He never officially said "but," but I knew he was saying "Maybe next year," when he told me that in the program I would learn to (basically) be more prepared and know the material for which I was auditioning.

Unfortunately, that means I will never be able to hear "Quando Men Vo" the same. Not that it now has a negative effect on me; just that it will be different now.

I know, Judith, you are jumping up in terror that I wasn't prepared, but try to remember that I got the material this afternoon and still can't play the piano and did my best to learn it and sang the most beautiful audition/ vocal performance to date, regardless of how short it was.

Big Sigh... and another.

... Maybe one more.

Surprisingly, when I went to change immediately after my audition, I burst into tears because I could barely contain them.

Maybe I'm lonely and home-sick.

Or a person can only keep a calm and positive outlook for so long.

Homeward Bound!

Yay!!

I'm coming home this weekend to visit my family and friends and my dad hopefully on Saturday or Sunday and picking up some things forgotten and ¡mi carro!

So, if you are in SLO County and want to hang, tell me now, cause there will be SO MANY people who will want to hang out with me... hey, stop laughing; I have friends.

I auditioned for MT II (Music Theatre Workshop II), which you have to audition into and be in for one quarter before you can even think of auditioning for MT III. My audition sucked!! No, it truly stank! They were really gracious about it, but it was a little upsetting at first that I couldn't at least show them some of my best vocal work. I sang "Christmas Lullaby" from Songs For A New World because the song I had was too "classical" and needed to be more "Music Theatre." I signed up for 9am though. Therein lies the problem. I woke from my second snooze AT 9am and couldn't figure out how to get hold of the stage manager or whoever was holding the auditions. It didn't help that it was a Sunday, which meant that everything was closed, and NO bus shuttles to the other side of campus. So, I rode my bike across campus and tried to warm up my voice as best I could for having just woken up, not having eaten or had any water or liquids, and having to bike across campus on a single-speed bike simultaneously. Needless to say, I was a little impatient with myself and kind of freaking out.

When I got there, Dennis (Castellano, one of the MT instructors and the accompanist) was fine with putting me in the 9:30am slot, but I was still shaken up and my voice was still scratchy. Ugh. So, long story, short, my audition sucked, so I'm not surprised I didn't get into the class. BUT, big but! if I got into the class, I would have had to drop my Theatre and Dreams class which I think is sooo incredibly interesting and I'm finally actually finding out (a byproduct, of course) what kind of dreams I've been having the last 8 years of my life when I get really stressed. First I thought they were lucid dreams, but then when I tried to confirm what I thought lucid dreams were (basically I used my experiences) and come to find out I've been having hypnagogic dreams, which means my mind probably isn't able to produce the paralyzers that our brain usually posits when we are dreaming. In other words, when we dream, our brain posits certain hormones that paralyze us (if you're tossing and turning, you're not dreaming) and my brain, I guess, can't create that hormone when I am stressing out. Isn't that interesting?? So, anyway, I get to stay in that Theatre and Dreams class now and I'm super excited! And apparently it's not an easy class to get into because it's required and most people wait so long to take it; so I'm getting it "out of the way" now. And next quarter, I will try again for MTII, and this time use a better song. Maybe "This Place Is Mine;" that's got a really great money-note. (And maybe next quarter I will be in a few shows. Non-UCI Theatre since I wasn't cast in this 2010-2011 season.)

In the meantime, I have signed up for Drama 101A which is working in the Costume Shop! Woot! All Drama Majors are required 8 units total (four their first year) of crew/shop work; some kind of technical work on some show basically. Typically what happens is everyone waits in line and you hope that by time your part of the line gets to the sign up list, that there is still room for you.

Well, I was told if I could really sew then I could challenge the class by taking a "test" which consisted of sewing a few samples: 1" seam, 1/2" seam, concave/convex seams, corner seam, etc. and hand sewing a whopper and fasteners. So, I went in before the line started and apparently passed with flying colors cause Eric, one of the guys in charge of the shop, was like "Yeah, don't worry about waiting in line; you are an elite, so you don't need it. We need you in the shop."

Okay, cool.

So, I will be working in the Costume Shop Mondays and Wednesdays (except this next Monday, since I will still be in AG or on my way back to UCI in my carro) from 9am to noon. Yay! And the two shop heads were like, you'll work doing whatever we need and then you can probably help the 101A students with their projects. So, they really like me.  :)  Woot!

Tomorrow - today - I will be auditioning for two Graduate Workshops (Romeo and Juliet and somet else that I can't remember). I really wanted to seriously audition for Juliet, but I found out that rehearsals start on Friday, so I talked with the director and he said I could still audition but I definitely wouldn't be Juliet. So I might not audition after all for that one, just because there's a lot going on tomorrow.

I heard today about an audition for the UCI Opera which I would do almost anything to be a part of! Especially if I can't get into a UCI Drama Production. Ha! The opera this year is Hänsel and Gretel, and I will be auditioning for the Sandman or the Dew Fairy. I looked up their respective songs and I would really really like to be the Dew Fairy. You can hear what it sounds like on this youtube.com link. I don't know who this girl is, but she's got some serious talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQskxwcj7Hs

Now, I just have to figure out with what to audition, since I have been trained in opera but really have no opera songs in my repertoire. I'm hoping I only need about 16 bars. I will try to audition with "Quando me'n vo" from La Bohème, but it's been so long since Judith and I have worked on it that I only really know the tune. But singing "ah" is better than nothing, right? I hope I do well, even if I'm not cast. I want them to say, "Oh, I didn't know we have her. Let's use her soon."


That's all for now. See you soon, AGers.

Houston, we now have Ethernet! ... Woooot!

I finally got an Ethernet cable! Yay! I think it's like 25 feet too! Wow!

So, today I was going to take the bus/ bike to Costco and a Salvation Army just down the street from it, and Target and Walmart to look for a multi-speed beach cruiser (why? read the previous blog posting), but I decided to call first just to make sure. Good idea, right? RIGHT! Because Costco doesn't answer unless it's for eyes, ears, prescriptions, food court, etc. Lame... Target had none in stock. And Walmart... ? Walmart is just in a league of its own.

I call Walmart, and the sweet, soft-spoken receptionist asks how she can help me. I ask who to talk to about a multi-speed beach cruiser. "Okay, hold on; I'll transfer you." Oh it's sooo nice when people tell you they are going to transfer you instead of simply cutting you off and you hear nothing but empty silence until finally someone picks up. Well, the phone kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing until the same girl picks up asking how she can help me. Uh, "I'd like to know if you carry multi-speed beach cruisers." "Oh, they didn't pick up? Okay, let me transfer you again and I'll page them." Okay... well, this happened twice, until finally someone picked up at what assume is the bike/sports department. "Oh, they're with a customer." "Okay, well, what do you suggest I do then? (Because I'M a customer too.)" [I didn't say what's in the parentheses, but I wanted to.] "I think Albert is available." "(Well, why didn't you just say that! Have him talk to me! Or better yet, why don't you talk to me??) Okay, well, can I speak with him please?" Click.

Uh...Silence. Four minutes pass. ... "Hi. alkjadsb balh abjdflkj." "I'm sorry, what?" "Blah bgkl mumble ag ldknad?" "(Whatever.) Can you tell me if you carry multi-speed beach cruisers?" "Oh, let me go look." Click.

For the love of ... gaa! What the WHAT!!

Silence...

Another five minutes pass. ... Silence.

I hang up. Call again.

No answer. Call again. No answer. Call one more time. "(Really? Is this how you want to play?)"

Wait a few minutes. Kvetch to some housemates. Call again.

A new woman picks up.

"Hello. Blahs anbl;kj mumble mumble." "I'm sorry WHAT?" "BLah ablkjdf mumble."

"(Okay, I'm done.) Hi. I've called a few times now, and various people in your department have put me on hold and never come back at least 5 times now. Can you please just tell me if you carry beach cruisers? That's all I'd like to know."

"Oh, let me go check."

AHHHHHHHHH! Walmart, I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION! MAY YOU NEVER PROSPER! MAY THE SPAWN OF YOUR COMPANY FAIL AND WHITHER TO PIECES AND MAY NO ONE EVER HOP THERE AGAIN!

Okay, I didn't say that, or even think that then, but now maybe.

"Okay, thank you." Click. "(Grrr....)"

Two minutes later...

"We do have beach cruisers. They are $90" (That means they are single speed but I ask anyway.)

"Do you know if they are multi-speed?"

"No, the guy who went to look didn't tell me. I can have him go - "

"No, thank you. It's fine. Bye." CLICK! (My turn this time! Ha!)


Sheesh! She had someone else go look. Why is it sooo hard, for any of them, to look at a row of bikes and tell a phone customer whether or not they have ONE kind of bike? It's a bike! Not a newborn child in the hospital waiting for its parents! A bike!


Needless to say, I did not go to Walmart or even Target or Costco. Today is the hottest day of the week, someone said. It was 100 degrees yesterday. I don't even want to know how hot it is today.

So, I went to the Student Bookstore and got an Ethernet cable instead. Then to the Student Health Center to pick up the last of my prescriptions that they had to order (because they don't keep Relefin in their building) but they couldn't find it. They tried to have me pay for it a second time and I was like, "Uh, no... I was already billed for it. I will be paying it in two minutes across the way; so I haven't physically paid for it yet, but I have already been billed. Did someone else pick it up?" "It says you already picked it up."

Big sigh. It got worked out, but I'm either being tested, with all this bike/phone/Rx/internet crap that's going on, or somebody down there really hates me. I can't imagine why.     ;-)

But, hey! I now have internet! Worry-free! Or it better be!

Now all I need to do is find out what my mailbox # is and where it is so I can finish my Post Card Project! More details on that later.

... Oh, that and find out how to get a laundry card so I can do my laundry!! Eew! Smelly socks and chonies!

... and there was much rejoicing... yay. :(

So, I got my new bike two nights ago... yay?...

I've been corresponding with this guy from Craigslist.com about the perfect bike for a few days now. It's a pink beach cruiser with a bell and a basket! Adorable, right?

Wrong... I was bewitched by the pink siren-call of it's lovely pinging bell and the fact that it works at all!

I've been using a transitional, blue kids beach cruiser that has no air in the tires, and whose seat can't extend high enough to sustain my "long" - ha - legs. Oh, did I mention, the left peddle fell off yesterday afternoon on my way to the theatre? Yeah, and I had no idea that on most bikes, the opposite peddle is threaded the opposite direction. So, actually, "righty tighty, lefty loosey" doesn't apply for the left peddle of a bike! So... I stripped the peddles threads. Damn. Unfixable, probably... unusable, definitely!

That happened and then this guy said he could meet me at UCI with the bike on his way home from work - I think he's a nurse or a doctor or somet (aka "something") - but when I saw this bike, and it was tall enough for me, and it was pink enough for me, and it had a basket AND a bell! I fell in love! And it was like what always happens when I compromise, the $120 just flew out of my wallet and into his pocket!

So, now, problems with the bike:

1) It's so freakin' HUGE!! I should have picked it up to measure the weight of the beast! I could barely pick it up to put in on the night-bus that night. (Well, that and I was trying to lug TWO bikes all the way across campus! By myself. Dumb.) The night bus has a prong-type bike rack, - an old school bus - different from the more contemporary city buses.

2) It's only a single speed. I wanted a multi-speed and I compromised. Single speed makes it difficult to go up those even tiny hills. And I will be riding it a lot, enough to get my exercise without making it harder on myself with single-speed!

3) This is the big one; the BIG problem. I was doing fine all week; scarily fine, with auditions, with callbacks, with classes starting and all, a new roommate, new living conditions. I should have been terrified this week, and I wasn't! A'toll! (aka "at all") But there I was, yesterday afternoon, attempting to put my new pink beach cruiser on the AV (Arroyo Vista) shuttle bus... and it doesn't fit! It's too big! Too long! The back tire barely fit in the slot, but the front tire was about 3-4 inches from where it needed to be to be properly secured!

So, the bus driver said I could put it into the bus itself, but there were so many people in there that I wouldn't have been able to fit, with my honkin' new bike. There was a guy waiting for the next bus, though, that said he will be driving the next AV bus, so to wait and he will let me on with the bike first, then I can take it to the back of the bus and be out of the way. Okay, so I waited. I was fine. Disappointed that my brand new bike wouldn't fit, but still not upset.

The next AV bus comes and stops way far ahead of where I'm waiting... I HATE it when they do that; it's like they are doing an experiment to see what raging piranha we will turn into in trying to mount the bus. jerks. So, as soon as the bus passes me, I see this swarm of human piranha book it for the bus, about 5 yards from me. They wouldn't let me through, so I went into the street and around the bus that way. By time I got to the front, the driver I had talked with was waiting for me and said there was no more room.

... Wha!! What the what!!!!! That's when I lost it. Well, as the bus was driving away, I started to tear up. All the things started to flow through my mind.

"You compromised! You got a single-speed when you specifically said you wanted a multi-speed!"
"You didn't pick it up! It's too heavy for you!"
"It doesn't even fit on the bike rack!"
"There's no room in the inn!"
"And you paid a full $120 for this giant, heavy, PINK mistake!"

That was not fun. I think it was like the rest of the stress of the week had finally broken through. I really felt surprisingly calm all week, in the midst of sooo many things going wrong, or my being late, or whatever, but this incident with the bike was like, "You can't do anything right, can you, Lizz?"


So, I waited for the next bus. What else could I do? It was the middle of the afternoon, uber hot outside, scorching sun, and me without the energy to ride all the way across campus on my new mistake.

Where I was standing should have been where the next bus stopped, but there was a Ride-A-Long type bus in the middle of the bus stopping area, so the bus decided to stop behind it instead of in front of it. Where I wasn't, basically... story of my entire life. So, I ran up to it with my heavy bike, stopped it in front of the bus, pushed my way through the crowd and begged the driver to let me on with my bike because I've been the first one here waiting for a bus since two buses ago and it doesn't fit on the rack. He said yes, so I hurriedly got my bike and pushed through as nicely as I could, which felt incredibly rude, but at that point I probably would have drowned them with my tears before letting anyone on the bus before me.

I got in just in time, because there was literally only room for me left. That is, without the bike, so trying to also fit the bike was murder. He could barely close the doors without me squishing at least two people. Big sigh, but fewer tears.

The ARC was the first stop, and my stop, thank goodness. So, I got off with my bike and a million other students upset with me that I squished them. And I as I was walking away from the bus, a guy with a bike he had just got from the bus's bike rack mentioned, "You know there's a bike rack, right?"

I told him it didn't fit.

"A bike bigger than mine! Wow." He was a pretty big guy, too. Not round, but really tall. So, I knew what he meant when he said that.

And we started talking just a bit as we walked up the path to AV and the crossing for what I think is Vista Del Campo. It was a sweet meet cute. I said somet about having more hope in our generation than I should have - what with no one letting me onto the bus twice because they ALL wanted to secure a spot for themselves - and he said somet strange as we parted. I started to walk away and he said, "Nice talking with you," and I said, "Nice to meet you... Wait, I didn't actually meet you. I'm Lizz." "Jack." Firm handshake. "Nice use of words." "Bye."

What? "Nice use of words?" What does that even mean?

Oh well. Maybe he was nervous. Because I'm a girl and soo incredibly fascinating and intriguing... HEY! Stop laughing. I could be those things. :)

Anyway, regardless of why he said what he said, or the fact that I had to go through the depths of bike-bus hell to meet him, he was sweet and charming, and I may never meet him again, but he made that part of my day that much better. I probably would have been stewing until I got to my house and bawled my eyes out in my empty room (Joyce went home for the weekend).

I think it's interesting though, on that "meeting new people" note: Well, firstly, I'm proud to say that I appear to be approachable! I love it when people come up to me and ask for directions. It means I look like I know what I'm doing and where I'm going, but also that I'm not so arrogant that they feel uncomfortable to ask for help from me.

I've had four or five people in the last week ask me how to get somewhere. They are usually shy-type girls.

But also, it would appear that the only people who are introducing themselves to me (with the exception of the InterVarsity girls and people at info booths for clubs) are guys! What? That's weird and I am not used to that. I think I've met about 6 guys already. I only really remember two because they had to do with the bike situation and they were the most recent, but why are only guys introducing themselves? I need girlfriends. Oh well.

Bye for now. Gotta go study up for Edward II callbacks! Woot! I mean, "Zot!" I mean... I don't care.

I got called back for Isabella and the King's Neice for Edward II, which is apparently a big deal.

And I have to find a new phone because the inside to my EnV3 died or something cause it only shows blackness! And I need a new bike, but there's NOTHING in Irvine! All the Targets and Walmarts and Costcos are in other towns, too far for me to bike without knowing I will get terribly lost.

Going now. Maybe to Albertson's to get bagels, lox, and cream cheese. That sounds good. Food...

Ugh... Internet... eew.

Hey, so I've just found out that the reason I haven't had internet in my room the passed two days is because I don't have free wi-fi! It's an ethernet cable... grr! No one told me that. Or my roommate, for that matter. So, we've been using someone else's in the area and when they are not around... hence, no internet connection. Ugh.

So, anyway... it's been a few days since my last update, and now I will continue.

My Crucible callbacks went well, I think. We shall find out soon enough. However, I have a feeling, simply because I was called back for Tituba and Sarah Goode, it may be a long-shot. If you know the play, Tituba is the "negro slave from Barbados" who supposedly bewitches Abigail and the other girls. Sarah Goode is an imprisoned slave who was also from Barbados. They are both accused of witchcraft. But they are black, for sure, and I am not. Whatever. It was still a good experience. There were a ton of graduate students there for Hale and Elizabeth Proctor, and Proctor, etc. and Tituba/Sarah Goode.

I was paired with a third year graduate actor named Nick who was pretty cool, and very patient with my being a third year (but technically first year because I'm a) transfer actor. He gave me congratulations, though, at being called back at all. "They don't normally call back new girls," he said. I think I know what he meant, but that's what he said. So, we had a scene between Hale and Tituba in which Hale is trying to get names from her after she has just "confessed" that she bewitched the girls and they are speaking of hanging her. I wanted to be crying or something when we went in a read for the parts, but it didn't come out as such. I guess I was a little self-conscious. It still went pretty well though.

We read the scene with each other a few times, waited a bit, walked in, performed, Beth - the director - said "thank you," we said, "thank you," and left. It all happened very quickly.

Cast lists will be posted Tuesday, I'm told.

UCI 2010-2011 Season Callbacks? ... HECK YEAH!

Well, today has been fun, and interestingly mundane, but not. Maybe it's just because I'm uber-tired.

Classes started today, and up until around 7pm last night, I thought my History of American Musical Theatre class was at 8 in the evening and that my first class was at 11am (Theatre and Dreams - totally interesting and captivating, by the way). HOWEVER, that History of MT class is actually at 8 AM! So, needless to say, I am eternally grateful to Claire and Marlena for correcting my mistake. Turns out, when I was looking at my schedule of classes, my 11am class was listed first, then my 3:30pm class, THEN my 8pm class, but all it said was, and I quote!, "8-9:50". If that's not misleading, I don't know what is, but there were a million people there, so I was either the only one who just assumed that the order of classes was the actual order, or everyone else found out the night before too.

Anyway, it was a blast in the History of American Musical Theatre class. I sat next to my new bud, Dean, who is a tap dancer. He seems to think that's all he does and refused when I encouraged him to audition at the MEGAs, but that's okay. I'm sure he will find his confidence soon. :) I jest, but he likes to act, so what was the worst that could happen, right? No callback. That's it. Oh well.

Throughout class, Mr. Denis Castellano introduced us to many powerpoint slides and audio files and footage of various musical genres (today was a brief history of Opera - I loved it; wanted more!) He's a funny dude and super sweet.

Last night, LATE last night (so I'm really REALLY glad I checked my email - the internet in our room has been acting funny, not in a good way) I got an email in which the subject line stated, "The Crucible Callback List and Information" but I couldn't read the email message because of the stupid internet connection!! So, I was like, "what the heck! I don't know if it's just saying, 'thanks anyway,' cause I'm used to those emails, or if I actually got a callback!" Long story short, I got a callback for Tituba and Sarah Good, both of whom are originally "negro slaves from Barbados." Hmm... oh... kay... That's okay. It's a callback. And some pretty hefty weeping and begging is called for in the end. Cool. That's today at 6:20pm.

But then I was also planning on auditioning for the New York Satellite Program, which is today at 4-5:30pm or 5:30-7pm, neither of which I can now make since I have a class at 3:30 til 4:50pm and a callback at 6:20pm. I can decide if God is telling me, "Not this year, Lizz," or Satan's just kind of messing with me to see how I'll take it. This whole week should have been really stressful, though, and surprisingly I have been strangely calm. About everything: being late to my first meeting - which didn't end up happening - because I waited for the wrong bus twice, then the correct bus's door wouldn't close, so I had to wait for ANOTHER bus and the training driver didn't know to turn at a certain street, so we went a little out of our way and got caught in a three-point turn for a few minutes.

It's like I've been being tested all week, and I feel like I'm passing with flying colors, giving it to God the whole way. And saying "hi" and "thanks" at my - so far routine - 2am shower.

So, I also got callbacks for Edward II, which was the only show for which I DIDN'T want a callback, but for the sole reason that if I got a callback, that means I can't go to The Fantasticks Cast Party in SLO on Sunday. All the other callbacks were different days. But, I got it nonetheless, and I'm loving it so far. Turns out Adrian is directing it! He was a Directing Intern at PCPA my first year there! Hilarious! Although, every now and then I think, "I hope he doesn't feel obligated to give me a callback," but then I remind myself what a kick-BUTT job I did in those auditions. And who cares if he just so happens to have also seen my Shakespeare and Acting Sharings from passed years. That's a plus.

I have always felt somewhat awkward about situations like these: I want to be cast because of THAT audition, not based on previous work, regardless of how good it was. PCPA did that a lot. Which was bad for me - musically - and great for the cliqué of people from Michael Jenkinson's performing arts high school. I love them all, don't get me wrong, but even people outside the program were telling me in hindsight, those were two EXTREMELY politically cast seasons. Completely unfair. But it had to happen for me to understand that I need to make sure it never happens again. The suffering I allowed myself to go through, I mean.

Okay, enough for now. I need to head on back ACROSS campus for my next class and then jump straight into the end of the first session of the New York Satellite Program auditions, then the immediately the beginning of the next session and then take one deep, quick breath and head for the Crucible callbacks!

And maybe after, I will crash at home. No wait, a guy might be bringing by a beach cruiser for me to look at from Craigslist and I might have a new-used bike! Woot! With a basket and ... wait for it... a BELL!

UC Irvine! MEGA Auditions...

I am pretty much settled in. Still getting used to the campus and I'm using a kids bike until I can find one my size on craigslist.com. I'm in Arroyo Vista (so I'm not far from Arroyo Grande... hehe. just playing) on the completely opposite side of campus from where everything like classes and events happen, but that's okay. I will get lots of exercise. :)

Tuesday was my MEGA audition for the 2010-2011 UCI Drama season of: Into the Woods (ensemble roles only), The Crucible, Edward II, Mary Stuart, and The Restoration Comedy.

As it turns out, I signed up for the 5:30pm slot but they didn't have ANY record of my signing up!! But it turned out alright; they just put me in with another group of six instead of the normal five who were supposed to go in. So, I went sixth, after everyone else in my group had auditioned and left. I had been planning on doing my 16 bar cutting of "I'd Give It All For You" at the end - so after my two monologues - but then some people out in the waiting room were saying they were asked to do song first, so then I decided to do song last.

But then I gave the pianist my music and I walked to the "X" in the middle of the room, slated JUST my name like they wanted and began my moment-before for my first monologue, without saying anything, and the pianist started and I jolted out and totally forgot that I was doing song FIRST now... sheesh! And he said "Oh, you are doing song last?" and I said, "NO! You are right; song first; sorry" but it was all surprisingly not stressful and light-hearted.

So, I sang the song (AWESOME, by the way! I was shaking more than I have EVER shaken for an audition, and it only started as soon as I opened my mouth to sing, but you couldn't HEAR the shaking, which is new for me. Usually when I audition, I shake so much that I lose my pitch - but that is the ONLY time I ever do. But I ROCKED! Then I did my monologues and finished at exactly 30 seconds to spare, which is strange because I always went 10 seconds over in practicing!

Then I turned to leave, and 180'd quickly saying "Don't forget your music, Lizz!" and as I was walking to get my music binder, I think I heard a woman whisper, "She's a cutie" or something, but something good. :-D

And as soon as I exited the building, I did a little dance and exclaimed, audibly while a girl was passing (probably on her way to HER audition), "That was my BEST audition EVER!" :) I think I freaked her out, cause she was like, "uh, ok. cool"

Then today, as I was walking in the "halls" one of the Heads of Acting stopped me to remind herself of my name and tell me how great she thought I did. :)

I am sooo glad I have these bangs now! No one else has them, so it helps distinguish me a little.

Phew! I love it here!

The 20th Year... and an almost DUI...

This passed year has been full of many “firsts.” At the risk of sharing too much, I will briefly explain the most important and influential “firsts” from my twentieth year.

I actually said yes to a date offer! Actually this is not a first. I said yes once before, but then was too chicken to actually do it because he was my friend and I was afraid that dating him would mess it up. Mostly I was afraid that he was two years older than me and already had a fiancé (that he had since broken up with) and that he would find me too inexperienced.

I actually went on a date. This is an actual first. He’s a friend of mine, and it was nice because it was just like we were friends going to lunch. I don’t have a lot of guy-friends. I think I’d rather have guy-friends than all that confusing mumbo-jumbo anyway. I don’t like playing games in life, especially with the opposite sex. Too confusing and frustrating!

There are more, but I don’t know why I can’t think of them.

Unfortunately, I still have not had a boyfriend or been kissed. Unless you count stage kisses, but I don’t; especially since two out of the three guys were gay and one was questionable.

In previous years I have not really wanted a boyfriend. This last year – I am only now realizing – I’ve kind of been searching. Almost too much. And you know what, I’m done. I don’t want one. I can do by myself. I always tell my girlfriends, “If you can’t be by yourself and be happy, you won’t be happy in a relationship with someone else.” It’s like those married couples that think having a baby with “fix” their marriage or their relationship. Uh… no! If you have a crappy relationship now, it will only make things more difficult and probably really screw up the kid.


--------------------------------------------

So, I guess I will now delve into last night’s festivities.

Yesterday, we drove… a lot! We left West Yellowstone in Montana around 10am the day before and headed for Reno because we couldn’t “check” into the cabin here in Downieville until yesterday. Mom has been driving the whole time, so she wanted a tiny break, so I drove for about two hours, until we got to the Costco and Sak N’Save for the millions of groceries we needed for the upcoming week at the cabin. It’s amazing and unbelievable how much food we got for one day. Mom and I could go through it all in probably a month and a half, but there’s also nine people, two of which eat more than you would think they could – Jeffery (a growing boy) and Salome’s mom (who is diabetic but doesn’t appear to care). Steve is the biggest of us all, but he at least limits himself. He’s doing really well losing weight. I’m proud of him.

From the Sak N’Save, I drove lead (between the two cars) to Downieville. This meant driving up the mountain. Well, I'm leading in Mom's car and Steve is following - pretty closely I might add. I'm driving up the mountain...


Ugh... you know what... I don't really want to write about it right now. And Mom has to pee, which means we have to go back to the cabin because everything is closed. Soo... next blog will be the DUI. Uh... ALMOST DUI. :)

-Lizz

Intro to… my life as it currently stands?

So, I wrote this on my birthday, but since I'm in Downieville at the top of one of the Sierra Mountains, I am currently without internet access. In fact, at this very moment, I am sitting in front of a hotel in Sierra City at 10pm in the cold air next to a giant "attacking fish" pond. They were gracious enough to let us use the internet, but we are stuck outside because the restaurant closed. Poo.

So, here begins the blog of my 21st year. It may be interesting; it may not. I don't really care at this point. Too much is happening in my life not to record it somewhere.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Intro to… my life as it currently stands?

Today’s my birthday! My 21st birthday to be exact!

But I need to start with yesterday because I was going to start this new blog yesterday – in addition to the family blog – entitled The 21st Year, or something like that so I can start blogging all year and keep up-to-date pictures so I can look back later.

I know that most people get really busy so they don’t keep up with blogs, so it’s really for me, because I can’t keep up with my journal for the life of me! I will try to blog at least once a week and it will help me review the highlights of my week and therefore my life. The twenty-first year is pretty crucial in an American girl’s life, especially since we are legally allowed to do everything and anything that any other adult is legally able to do – save politicians because everybody knows they’re above the law… hmm…


[PLEASE NOTE: Anything I say in this next section are my FEELINGs. They are neither right nor wrong; they just are. Take it with a grain of salt.]

This last year has been one huge life lesson after another. I think it’s good, and then sometimes it really sucks! I would have to say that looking back, I’ve always progressed and learned and striven for better things until about 18 years old. I feel like from the beginning of year 18 through the very end of 19, I was kind of at a stale-mate and not much was happening, but a lot was happening, but I felt like I wasn’t moving forward anymore, and almost like I was moving backwards. In my faith, in my life-choices, in everything. Unfortunately, I think a lot of that had to do with my experiences at PCPA. It had its super-fun moments, and I don’t regret any of it, but the politics were a lot to handle for a teenage girl unsure of her career decision coming straight out of high school. It was like PCPA was confirming that I’m a good actress but that I’ll never make it in the actual Theatre or Film Industry. What I mean by this is that all my teachers were telling me I was doing a great job, but then I was never cast in a show. Finally I was cast in one show as an Attendant, but all the second years were cast in that show, so it almost invalidated it. Don’t misunderstand me, please, I loved being in that show. But it made me feel like I wasn’t worth more than that in my acting. And my first year was full of depression because I’d been with my best friend since middle school and then all of a sudden she moved away – for college – but so did all my other high school friends and I was still living at home, commuting to school – which I would NEVER EVER suggest to someone who actually wants to be a part of the school they are attending. It distanced me from the other students and I only once felt so bonded with them that I was actually a part of the family we had all formed since we started. That was the very end. And now, most of them don’t even respond to my emails or Facebook messages. And when I text them, the common response is, “Who is this?”
I realized too late that I am unable to audition for PCPA too. When I came to PCPA, I was an excellent actor – for the training that I had, which was really none – and an okay mover and a good singer, but not a great singer or dancer. I’m still not an amazing dancer, but I move really well. And I would say that Judith Dunlore has helped me transform my voice into a great voice! She and I get all the credit for that. But when it came to singing at PCPA, even though my lessons with Judith were during those two years at PCPA, I was always right back to where I started. Save one time. In one of our last Sing Tech sharings, I sang “This Place Is Mine” and I rocked! I felt I could not have done better for where I was with my voice and the stigma that I had now developed for singing for PCPA people.
With all of that knowledge, I have now decided I need to just stay away from all things PCPA. If a PCPA friend initiates, of course I will respond, but I have no reason to contact a lot of them. And it hurts me to say that. But it hurts even more to keep putting myself in that situation and to keep getting ignored or worse.

I used to make cards for people. It’s been a love of mine since I was young; hand-making cards. One of my love languages is words of encouragement. In every hand-made card, a personalized message awaits to encourage the receiver in whatever endeavor they are to encounter. I also used to write a tiny letter to myself whenever I cleaned my room – once every other year – to encourage my future self, but I’ve never given myself a card. For now, since I am in the woods in the middle of nowhere, currently without internet as well, I will write the message for my card. It can be for my present self or it can be for the future self that rereads this blog much later in life.



Happy Birthday, Lizz!
I really am so proud of you for everything you’ve done and accomplished! For twenty-one years you’ve endured so much and always come through it. Sometimes it didn’t feel like you would, but you always did. Always remember whose you are. You couldn’t have come through any of those really rough times without the strength God has given you. There are so many people who look up to you. Maybe not always for the same thing, and maybe they will never say anything, but you have brought joy to people and encouraged people who may not have been encouraged otherwise.

Whatever you choose to do in life, whether it be acting or fashion design, or owning a boutique with a little of everything, or… working at the Jamba Juice for the rest of your life – which please don’t do by the way, but if you were to do that – as long as you do it with Jesus in your heart and with His smile on your face, you will continue to touch people with your “Jois de Vivre.”

I think you will always amaze people. So get used to it now! No more shrugging back saying, “Oh.. thanks.” Say it proudly. And if people think you are arrogant, too bad. They don’t know you. You aren’t and you know it and the people who know you know it and if they don’t know it, they can go away! So there!

I know this year has been… interesting. There’ve been a lot of ups and downs and I wish I could say it gets better. But I’m you, so knowing that you don’t know, I can only say, I don’t know what’s going to happen. But be strong. You are a confident, beautiful, lovely, strong, strong-willed, talented, sometimes funny young woman and you have so much life in you. Let it shine and let God shine through you.

I love you. Don’t ever forget that. It’s important to know. When it seems like no one else does, I do. And Jesus does. Don’t be ashamed of it, either. He is enough for you. And He will always be there, even when no one else is answering. So put Him first.

Do what gives you joy and what brings out your joy so it can give others joy too.

Until next we meet,
Lizz from June 19, 2010