This morning, I actually went to church! Christmas Eve service, I started to realize I'm becoming a CEO of the Christian variety. For those of you who don't know, that is a Christmas and Easter Only Christian. I'm making an active decision to go to church this quarter, even when I don't feel like it. So, this was my last Sunday morning in my hometown for awhile and I thought I should start sooner rather than later.
If you know me, you know that I am always humming and singing tunes, published and made up. This morning, the worship leader said he wanted to try something different. "It is just Jesus and you, so sing your praises to him. Make up a tune for him." I knew this worship leader was talking to me. I do this all the time and I knew it would be quiet because a lot of people just can't do that, not the first time they try and certainly not with so many people around. So this should be easy for me, right?
Wrong! I couldn't do it! It literally brought me to tears because this is probably the easiest task for me ever, and I couldn't do it because my voice would have been the only one, and I knew people in the congregation; in fact, a guy I used to like in high school was sitting right in front of me. Regardless of the gift I've been given to sing out loud, sing out strong, and make it up as I go along, I couldn't do it. I couldn't show Jesus and all those people how much I love him.
I prayed for another chance to show him I love him; to return the love that he has always shown me. The last few years, the music has been gradually different. I just wasn't going to church, so I wasn't learning any of these new songs. So the songs have been pretty contemporary and new, I just don't know any of them, but when I prayed for a second chance, he gave it to me! The next song was an old song we used to sing in worship service. "He Loves Us"
It took me awhile to stand because no one else was standing. And it took me a little bit to sing out strong, because everyone was very quiet. And it took me a bit to raise my hands, as if a funnel for Christ's Love. But when I finally got it through my head that I am here for HIM, not for ME and certainly not for anyone else around me, my arms shot up, my voice rang out, and it was good.
By the end of the song, we were singing the same last line five or six times and the band kept going but the worship leader and the congregation stopped singing, and I sang that last line one last time, all by myself, to Jesus.
I know I'm not cured of my unnecessary insecurities all because of this one incident, but it is what I needed to get me off my butt and show Him how amazing I really think He is and much I love Him, regardless of who is around me and whether or not people can hear me. It will be a constant battle against those insecurities but as long as I keep giving it to God, I can do anything.
My picture for today:
After church - which I already feel was like a week ago now that I'm in Irvine - I took my mom, Amy, Kassi, and Nicolette out to Chinese food to say goodbye. I hadn't really been able to hang out with neither Kassi nor Nico, so this was nice. We got to talk and laugh and eat. Spencer showed up a little before we were leaving, so I finally got to take a picture with them. Can you believe I don't have ANY pictures of us prior to today!?!? For shame!
Today, I am grateful for friends who, even though they can sometimes be too busy for me, manage to always have my heart. I love each of the beautiful - and handsome - people in this picture and I hope they take me with them in their hearts forever as I plan to do with them. I love you guys.
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